Vulva’s the real truth
Touch me like you mean it
Picture this; you’ve just headed back to your place after bagging yourself a hot shag! You’re under the sheets and you’ve just closed your eyes as his hands slip inside your underwear. Your brain is in over load with all the naughty thoughts imagining how it’s going to feel when he finally touches you. There they come, those beautiful long… wait, is that it? His fingers are barley touching you, vaguely moving and rubbing with minimum effort, like he is afraid to put his back into it. He then grabs your hand and puts it on his dick! Aiding you to give him a handjob and focus more on pleasing him! Even with all this you muster up the courage to ask him to go down on you and he seems shocked, repulsed even by this request.
Can you relate to an experience like this? The feeling of minuscule effort by a man put in to touching your vulva! Are they even trying to turn you on, do they even care!
Unfortunately this experience is more common than you think. Some men just about touch the vulva and rarely look it in the eye! Sure they have no problem sticking their dick inside you but touching you is a different story. Why? Why do they act so repulsed, so vacant when it comes to her pleasure? Lack of experience can be one reason but looking at it in more detail there is lots more to uncover.
Although the man definitely has a responsibility to put in the effort there can be a bigger demon at play here. History! Historically women’s pleasure is not something that has been prioritised and if you think about it vulva’s are rarely talked about or seen. Especially not the way penises are! Remember all those penis doodles in school? Yeah, where were all the beautiful vulva doodles!
This isn’t just a male issue. Women are also made to feel disgusting about their own vulva’s. Some so much they can’t bear to look down there. That’s not right! But how can we fix it?
Vulva’s need to be seen just as much as penises and I am not talking about in a sexual way. I am talking about just seeing them normalising them and taking away the massive stigma that comes with looking touching or liking your own vulva. Its part of the body it exists, we should not have to hide it. It bares children, it gives pleasure and is worthy of pleasure too!
So this begs the question why does society make us feel shame for something we were born with? This is a loaded question there is a lot to unpack with this one. But it comes back to the fact that women have never been prioritised in our societies.
For god sake the clitoris of a woman was not researched until recent years ! Why? We’ve grown up in a society that has not given one shit about pleasure for women. It’s a man’s world. Women are seen as objects.
Where do we go from here?
It’s disgusting and vile yet this is the truth of it. We must start to move towards a less shaming society and men must move away from this ideal that women are to be controlled and used. Men must also start to put effort into pleasing their women. We are making progress in recent years with women finally realizing their worth but there is still a long way to go!
If you struggle with looking at your own vulva or you feel shame around it, know that you are not alone. Many women feel the same. So how do we overcome these ideals that’s are so ingrained in our very being? The answer is time and a conscious effort to work through our shame and emotions as they come up. It won’t be easy. Unlearning what you have been told for many years will take time. One day you might love yourself the next you still find yourself self loathing. Having kindness and compassion with yourself is the secret to overcoming this.
Here are 3 ways you can take your Power back
Get To Know Your Vulva
Ugly emotions will come up especially if you rarely have or never really looked at your vulva. Please try not to look with a critical eye, but that from a place of kindness and empathy towards yourself and your body. Get a pocket mirror bend those knees and start exploring. You can find a free worksheet here to label the parts as you go.
Take The Time To Figure Out What You Like
To be able to tell a partner what you like you must first explore your own body to understand what you like. You can’t expect a partner to know without voicing or guiding them towards how you like it.
Set Boundaries
Not tolerating anything but effort from your man or partner when it comes to your pleasure (and everything really because nothing works without effort from all sides) This can be easier said than done especially if you are in a long standing relationship that requires change for this to happen. If you are in a long term relationship that will require changing, take it slowly. Start by having the first conversation about this outside the bedroom. Tell them how you feel and ask them if they will touch you more. This could be expressed by telling them the exact way you like to be touched. You could also ask them for one night out of the month where the pleasure is focused fully on you and you in return can have a night for just them if they so wish. There are many great ways to start the conversation and move towards change. Remember though it most likely won’t happen overnight! It can bring up a lot of emotions for both of you. If you are in a new sexual relationship express your boundary right away and up front. You will save aggro on both sides if the other person doesn’t want to do this. And if they don’t you are well rid!
Another great tip for helping to normalize your vulva is to enrich your brain with information and surround yourself with communities that promote positive behaviours. There are some amazing accounts you can follow on instagram dedicated to vulva positivity some include:
Learning to love your vulva workshop
This February I am hosting and online workshop focused on creating a zine dedicated to our vulvas. We will explore and learn together. All you need is some paper/card and some colouring pens/ markers, I will provide the rest. It will be a safe space to be vulnerable and open with whatever emotions come up around your vulva.
Learn to love your vulva
Vulva’s come in all shapes and sizes.