The Mind & Genital Connection

A lot of us believe that our genitals rule when it comes to our sexual behavior but our sexual behavior is controlled by our brain.

Think about it, without your sensory system (vision, hearing, taste, smell, and touch) how would you see, feel, taste or smell things that lead to you feeling turned on?

Sexual drive and desire is the result of an orchestration between our sensory systems, the endocrine/hormonal system, and the autonomic nervous system, which is divided into two branches. The sympathetic system and the parasympathetic system. (Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, Viatcheslav Wlassoff, 2015)

This is what can make sex so complex. It’s not a matter of your genitals spontaneously just deciding “yep let’s have some action now please!” There is so much more to it than that. The mind-genital connection is important to understand because it can help you understand your sexual well-being more.

So, let’s get to grips with everything that happens during the whole process.

The sexual response cycle

The sexual response cycle refers to the sequence of physical and emotional changes that occur as a person becomes sexually aroused and participates in sexually stimulating activities. Everybody is different so knowing how your own body responds during each phase can improve your understanding of any where sexual problems might stem from.

The sexual response cycle is split into four phases. These four phases correspond to various neurological processes:

• Desire this starts with sensory input or cognitive processes. At this stage your brain and your genitals are talking. For example if you are watching porn, your brain might send signals to your genitals that they like what they see or if your partner is rubbing your back your brain might send signals that it likes this type of touch.

• Excitement ensues, increasing activation of the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. This is the phase where the body gets aroused. It can include nipples hardening, heart rate increase and skin may become flushed

• Orgasm involves a peak activation of the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. This is the climax of the cycle and is the shortest of the phases. It generally lasts only a few seconds

• Resolution is activation of the parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. This is the stage the body slowly returns to its normal level of functioning, and swelled and erect body parts return to their previous size and color

(Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, Viatcheslav Wlassoff, 2015)

OK, now your thinking that’s all well and good, but how do I understand why I don’t want sex or why my desire is never there? Ever heard of the dual control model?

The dual control model of sexual response

Developed by former Kinsey Institute director Dr. John Bancroft and Dr. Erick Janssen in the late 1990s, the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response is a new theoretical model of sexual response. It goes beyond what physically happens to our bodies when we get turned on.

What is the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response?

The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response reflects the idea that sexual response in individuals is the product of a balance between excitatory and inhibitory processes. It’s made up of two systems the accelerator and the brake.

An ever-growing number of studies show that these two systems operate somewhat independently of each other and that their sensitivities vary from person to person. The researchers liken it to having both an accelerator pedal (excitation or SES) and a brake pedal (inhibition or SIS) in a car - every person will engage one or both pedals to a differing degree in any particular sexual situation, depending on their unique sexual physiology, history, and personality. (Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, 2022, kinseyinstitute.org)

The accelerator picks up on sexy vibes, perhaps a thought or something external happening. It sends a signal from the brain to the genitals saying yes we are on!

The brake is the opposite. The brake is the stop signals, the one that notices all the things around us that are unsexy, be that a risk, discomfort or inappropriate environment.

Everybody’s accelerator and brakes will be different. What does it for you most likely will not do it for another.

For example your partner might get really turned on during a sexy movie scene. Their brain is sending sexy signals to their genitals saying ‘YES, I like this’. But say you were watching this movie together in the cinema, this environment is uncomfortable to you so when he starts to rub your leg you push his hand away. This is because your brain is hitting the brakes, and saying I don’t like this!

Or let’s say your partner has heard his favorite sexy song on the way home from work and by the time he get’s home all he wants to do is it take you to bed. But you’ve been dealing with a child that hasn’t stopped crying all day and are covered in baby vomit when he comes in. Are you likely to be in the mood? No! Signals to your genitals will be a no no and your brain is more than likely going to be signaling that you need to rest instead.

Some internal monologues that a lot of us might be familiar with that impact our brake might be; Insecurities about your body, concerns about whether or not this person will like us after they see us naked, or maybe you are worried about catching an STI. There are so many things that affect out brakes if we take the time to understand what they are we will have the knowledge to be able to do something about it.

The dual response model just shows us how different we all are and that no two people are the same. It’s crucial we have and understanding of both our own and our partner(s) dual response model. If we are able to understand our own accelerators and brakes and what our partners accelerators and brakes are then we have the power to change the context.

It’s important to learn about the connection because we are mostly taught that we should instantly be aroused when someone comes on to us or think that we are the problem if we don’t want sex when we have a lot going on in our life. We mainly have mainstream media and porn to thank for this.

If you do not want sex or continuously find yourself not in the mood then try and take a step back and give yourself some space to explore the context. Are you stressed at work? Is your bedroom always too cold, are you constantly worrying about how you will manage everything on your ‘to do’ list? These could all be clear indicators as to why sex is the last thing on your mind. It’s important to know that it’s OK. You don’t have to engage in sex when you are feeling this way but it’s also possible that if you learn to slow down, and understand the context more you can learn to really get into the moment.

Here are some suggestions that might help:

• Practicing mindfulness

  This can be life changing. If mindfulness is not something you have really tried I recommend even a 2 minute practice every day to help get you into the swing of it. You don’t need to spend hours doing this, even a few minutes can really have a lasting effect. I always hated mindfulness because I never understood it, but when I started with a two minute practice at the end of every day I really felt the benefit of it in my day to day. Practicing mindfulness when having sex can be mind blowing. For example if he’s massaging your body try and focus on where his hands are rubbing you feeling all the sensations that it brings, your mind might still wander to other things but catching yourself wandering and bringing your mind back to the moment is the true skill of mindfulness. Mindfulness can help take your mind of the stressors of everyday.

• Try a new environment

  If you have kids, then a different environment might be all you need to take your mind off that pile of washing that still needs done or the school run in the morning. Bringing yourself into a new space can help you relax.

• Communicate

  Talk to each other. Communicate with your partner(s) about your dual control model. What hits the brakes for you? What really helps you relax? Or maybe your just completely not feeling it and need some space. Whatever it is communicating is always better than thinking the other person can read your mind. You can’t understand each others needs if you do not communicate them.

Sex and Pleasure

Women’s pleasure is not something that has historically been prioritised in hetero cisgender relationships. The narrative is heavily focused around how to pleasure your man. So for a lot of women pleasure might not be something they associate with sex. So why would we expect someone to want sex regularly if they do not get pleasure from it?

There is no normalization of dialogues between couples making sure that both partners pleasure, wants and needs are talked about. Nope, just plain old penis in vagina - bang bang, man comes - job done! God, there is so much more to sex than this.

This has to change.

Conversations need to be had between sexual partners, because this will not only make sure both parties are getting what they need, but more importantly that they understand each other and can offer more support when one of them is not in the mood.

If you just aren’t feeling it or you are going through a major stress period in your life please don’t put pressure on yourself to have sex. Sex should be a pleasurable, joyful experience and not something that is forced because it’s just what couples are suppose to do.

Your thoughts matter

Remember it starts in the brain. If we take the time to understand how we are feeling internally we will begin to understand ourselves more.

Our mental state and things that are happening in our lives effect our sexual well-being and it’s OK. Knowledge is power so If you take anything away from this blog, please let it be to be kind to yourself. You are normal. Whether you haven’t had sex in a year or you have sex every week you are normal. Taking the time to understand yourself can really open the floodgates to a whole new sexual world.