Why do we hate ourselves so much?

Well isn't that a loaded question! 

Do you ever catch yourself in self loathing thought? My stretch marks are so ugly, my boobs are too small, my vulva doesn't look normal, why can’t I fit in?

Have you ever wondered where all these thoughts come from?

There can be many reasons for self loathing thoughts.

Beauty Standards 

When it comes to image and beauty standards for me, a lot of the pressure comes from society's standard of what beauty should be and this is linked to capitalism.

You might say companies create ‘solutions’ to our problems, right? But have you ever wondered where these problems come from in the first place? Like really, who woke up one day and said It’s not normal to have armpit hair? A lot of these problems come from companies trying to come up with a way to sell their products to consumers, which ultimately results in marketing campaigns to tell us why we need to buy their products. Let’s take women shaving as an example.

Prior to 1915, body hair on a woman wasn’t seen as an issue thanks to the straight-laced styles of the Victorian era. But when Gillette realized he could double his profits by introducing women as a customer base, he helped create and feed an insecurity in women which led them to believe that in order to look sexy and be desired they must shave their legs and live a hairless life.

I mean come on look at this old advert:

(Image source: Bustle.com)

A lot of other companies do the same thing. Only now they are more clever about how they do it. Companies actually sit and have brainstorming sessions on what the next big thing is going to be and a lot of the time it comes down to either creating a new insecurity in order to create a mass market of potential buyers or they prey on the insecurities that past companies have already created. 

Here’s a few modern day advert examples:

(Image source dazedigital.com) 

You might think at first glance there is nothing wrong with this advert but asking us if we are beach body ready while portraying a skinny, photoshopped picture perfect body is subconsciously telling us that this is what a beach body should look like. And it’s wrong. If you have a body you are beach body ready! Simple as that! 

(Image source the Guardian)

A breast Augmentation advert shown during a popular show called love island again portraying this is the image of beauty. Although this ad was banned in the end this was a campaign still created in the modern day world to feed on an insecurity in women. 

The fact is, there are still ads out there that prey on insecurities imprinted on women because they know this is where to hit people. Although people are becoming more savvy to it we still have a lot of unlearning to do as a result of years of brainwashing and thinking our bodies are not normal.

Why self love can look like arrogance in today’s society 

Off the back of all this, insecurity became the norm in life a long long time ago. Thus came the idea that you cannot love yourself or show yourself any compassion because that’s just not the done thing. 

We live in a world that makes us think we are self absorbed or arrogant if we show any sort of love and compassion for ourselves. And how can we love ourselves with all these insecurities?

Self care and self love, you might notice to be a new trend.

You might see the word ‘self care’ a lot more these days. This comes down to a massive rise in awareness that mental health is something we need to take seriously. And to improve our mental health we need to show ourselves compassion. The same compassion we would show someone else if we knew they were struggling. As little as 10 years ago mental health was something you didn’t dare talk about and it was unheard of for any of us to actually voice that we want to love ourselves. 

Companies have climbed on to the self care train and are now taking this new  approach to sell their products. But I worry that this is pushing the idea that self care is about material things to make you feel better. Self care is so much more than just material things. Sure, a face mask is good to relax and unwind or a new face cream with lavender oil can smell great but at the end of the day none of that crap is actually going to take away the deep issues that we need to work on. We all have stuff we need to work on. We all have things we need to unlearn because we have all been subject to outside influences in our lives. 

Why Instagram’s ‘just quit your job and follow your passion’ quotes are contributing to the Mental Health crisis 

We could not talk about why we hate ourselves so much without mentioning social media, specifically Instagram. 

Social media itself is very problematic, if you have seen the show ‘The Social Dilemma’ on Netflix then you will know what I am talking about. These companies also create insecurities in us that keep us addicted to using their platform. The like button being one example, a lot of us put our worth in the amount of likes we get on a post but the reality is we are worth so much more than that.

When I started my art account on instagram I could feel myself feeling so deflated whenever I got very little interaction on my illustration posts. Is my art not good enough, nobody likes my work, should I just give up. Thank god I did not listen to those thoughts and still continue to grow my little business. I am good enough and I know there are people out there who can relate to my work. It’s Instagram's algorithm that makes the decision on whether your photo or work will get shown to a large audience. This is not a reflection on you or your work,

Instagram portrays our lives to be picture perfect in every way that when our reality won’t mold to perfection we can start to hate ourselves and our lives.

The obvious one here is the skinny ‘hot’ people that fill our feeds and make us want to make changes to our bodies but there is another silent mental health stinger. All those ‘inspirational’ quotes that fill our feeds daily. Sure they can really motivate you but they can also make you feel like shit because they make everything sound so easy.

How often do you see a quote on your feed that goes something along the lines of ‘just quit your job and live the life you want’ or ‘ Travel the world and leave your worries behind’?

Sure some of the time we hold ourselves back but it’s not always the case.

Life is not black and white not everyone can just quit their job and travel the world. Firstly, that's not everyone's dream and secondly you still need money to live.  I am not saying it’s not possible but what I am saying is that everyone's situation is different. What about someone who has children or someone who has medical conditions or really severe mental health problems? They have many more barriers to face than the average person. And when they see these posts it can make them feel so bad about themselves that they start to self loath and find it hard to get away from these thoughts.

We need to stop portraying everything as plain sailing. If you are quitting your job to pursue your dreams you have to know that there will be struggles involved in getting there, how do I know that, because that’s life, there will always be struggles. 

This can be another reason we start hating ourselves. These posts portray that life is linear and that success to most people means starting their own business or owning a yacht. If we are constantly consuming these things we start to believe that we need to ‘follow’ this as a way to success.

Why can’t I do it, why am I not strong enough, why am I so afraid, what is wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you, a successful life is not linear. We need to stop encouraging that this one size fits all approach is working because it’s not.

It’s only causing us to hate ourselves more and always long for something else.

Success can be working a 9-5 job and enjoying your time with friends and family and other hobbies outside of this. To me it’s the culture of the strict working hours and pressure companies put on us during those hours that need to change, not the 9-5 life.

But now more than ever companies are becoming more flexible with hours and working days and are realising that work life balance is important. As a result companies are seeing more productivity from employees. And it can be possible to love your job and enjoy your life without thinking you have to own a business to be successful.

Success can be many other things and you should get to define what that looks like for you. 

To me it’s about understanding yourself and finding out what makes you happy. Setting boundaries, spending time with loved ones and really finding the joy in the everyday because you might think life seems mundane sometimes but at the end of the day mundane won’t last forever either, none of us are getting out alive.

How hating yourself can be a much deeper issue than capitalism and social media

Taking all these other factors out of the equation there can still be other reasons for your self hate.

Sometimes no matter how much you're winning in life, you can still feel like you're worthless and your brain can’t help but take you into that self loathing state. 

Here are 3 more reasons you might also be feeling this way:

1. You had a bad childhood 

Growing up in a toxic home environment can be extremely damaging to a person's mental health and self esteem. 

2. School was a very bad time for you 

Were you ever bullied in school? Did you feel no matter what you did you could never fit in? Social crisis like this can cultivate feelings of shame and self doubt which can last long into adulthood 

3. You struggle with past Trauma

This doesn’t have to be from childhood as people often associate trauma with childhoods. People experience things in different ways. Trauma could have been anything from a really bad breakup, a loss of a loved one or abuse. 

A lot of the time people tend to define themselves based on their experiences of life. Past trauma can leave you feeling defeated in denial and riding the self hatred train.

If you are interested in learning more about these check out this video by psych2go.net.

So how can I stop hating myself?

I am not a doctor and I definitely don't have all the answers but I believe it's a process. 

When it comes to capitalism for a lot of adults all this marketing bullshit is ingrained into us so it’s not going to be easy and it won’t happen overnight. It’s a process of being aware. Trying to be more aware of what’s happening when you are being marketed to. When you see an advert telling you you need to shave your legs in order to be desirable, knowing that this is a marketing ploy to play on your insecurities and make you spend your money on products and services.

Don’t forget we consume this crap everywhere, on the TV ,social media, waiting for the bus, driving, we are surrounded by it.  

It’s also important to know that some days you will be all over it and know this crap and there will be other days you won’t, you will feel like shit, possibly still buy that bum lifting cream. Please don’t feel bad about this. Self compassion can go a long way when you are teaching yourself new habits. It is ingrained in us that much but it’s about trying to change your habits and way of thinking and it will take time.

There is no quick fix to overcoming self hatred especially if it’s something you have been dealing with for a long time. It takes a lot of time and dedication.

The first step is to try and understand where the self hatred is coming from. Is it simply down to being exposed to society’s standard of what beauty is or does it  go deeper and manifest from a past trauma or bad childhood? 

Either way it needs work and that is real self care.

If you are reading this and got this far then you can probably relate to self loathing in some way. I want you to know it does get better, with time and hard work you can really get to the bottom of where the hatred comes from and learn ways to cope. Seek medical advice if you need it, there is no shame in that. I want to leave you by reiterating the importance of knowing that there will be setbacks but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. Keep going, do the work you need to for yourself because you deserve love, compassion and to lead a fulfilling life. 

Life is hard enough without us hating on ourselves. 

Until next time,

Lorraine 

RareBeingDesign